words:: Ben Osborne

Saskatoon, SK— In a shocking move this morning, the Canadian Court Of Appeals has issued a cease and desist order to the popular mountain sports of mountain biking and skiing to, effectively immediately, stop the usage of all surf related terms when referring to mountain sports. After a recent over-usage of surfing terms in sports that have no relation to the ocean, and sometimes to even riding a board, the surfing world has finally spoken up. The shocking move will cover everything from every day citizens claiming their line in the mountains was “surfy” to major corporations usage of said terms.

We were lucky enough to get a hold of the official court documents, which outlines the terms of the cease and desist, focusing on the appropriation of popular surfing terms such as “shaka”, “floater” and “cutback” in any other sport besides surfing. The sport taking the biggest hit was skiing, as surfers decided to give the snowboarders a bit of a break, citing the fact that “they are still our one-plank brethren”. The document did not cite specific numbers, but indicated the damages for non-board mountain sports (specifically skiing and biking) will be at least twice that of sports such as snowboarding, mountainboarding, and snowskating.

“It’s a huge win for us”, Kelly Slater said from outside the courthouse in Saskatoon. “We can’t have brands claiming that it’s possible to ‘surf to dirt’. We’re the surfers—we decide who surfs.”

Skier’s on the other hand, are aghast. With creative new models of ski’s coming out such as the Line Pescado’s tapping into the surf-inspired market, they are shocked that what they thought was paying homage to a sport they respected, was actually an insult of the highest order.  In rebuke, a group of professional skiers out of Pemberton, B.C. has already cancelled their annual trip to Bali, and skiers all over North America are now refusing to Instagram their surf vacations in the offseason in an act of solidarity.

“I am a surfer…I go once a year on a 2-week trip and it really inspires my skiing—I can’t believe they would take this away from me,  and our industry as a whole”, claimed a skier out of Whistler, B.C. who chose to remain anonymous.

While it may be a shock to some, long-time mountaineer and climber types don’t seem too concerned. With plenty of concern among skiers, bikers, and industry types, a spokesperson for the NAMA (The North American Mountain Alliance) is looking at things from a positive standpoint.

“Luckily, we have our own words. If you feel like you may want to use a surf term, just stick with our awesome lingo. Surfers may take away some words, but we will always have things like postholing, mashed potatoes, and free-refills—nobody can take that away from us.”

While the reaction from the industry has been varied, the effects of this ruling will certainly be felt and we will be keeping close track of the ups and downs here at Mountain Life. Stay tuned for updates, athlete and industry perspectives, and more.-ML

Please note this is a satire piece. At Mountain Life, we respect each and every person’s right to claim a barrel whether that be on the mountain, at your desk at work, or on a surfboard. Surf on, party people.